I don't even know if anyone even reads this anymore haha nevertheless I am going to write about about this coz Tis that season again.
I know there's gonna be a lot of people who will resonate with what I am about to write about, grab your coffee, wine ...because this is going to be a long one.
DEPRESSION-ANXIETY - you might have heard a lot about these. I was an immature shit when I used to get bored listening to talks on such topics. There are still a lot of people who think that there is no such thing as mental health. It's when you experience it you know.
Question arises - what do you have to be sad about? You've everything you should feel grateful about? There are worst things in life .. yada yada
This is where we forget I guess, that there's a lot of problem with someone if even with everything in life he/she feels broken and shattered on the inside (surrounded by people yet so lonely kinda feeling)
I'm by no means any psychologist lol this is all from my own experience.
Although there are days when you come across people who are so self consumed with themselves, who see nothing wrong in making me people feel worse about themselves - basically narcissist. It is said that a narcissist attracts an empath - not saying I am one but I believe in kindness and forgiveness . I don't hold grudges forever. If people have done me wrong me wrong I somewhere blamed it all on Karma . Such experiences which then lead you to think of worst about situations in life- OVERTHINKING basically.
Notwithstanding that , when you carefully examine the roots of it all is- 'how happy is one about themselves- SELF LOVE. How do you expect to spread positivity and happiness if you are not happy with yourself. The moment you let a situation or an individual take the course of your life unknowingly. That's it. For you it seemed like happiness and 'all wonderful things in life', rather it was just another mistake you made- the consequences of which you face in a month/year I don't know. You get caught up in a series of unfortunate events with no exit. You make mistakes (not grave ones of course), but your clean intentions lets you be your honest self. They take advantage of it all. You question your existence and so it keeps repeating .
lol I never really believed in oracles and sadhu babas as such , my mom once might have met one and what he said about me is really astonishing (now when I think about it). Exact words were "she will have a lot of friends in her life - but more than half of them will be talking behind her back".
I love meeting new people - making new friends but the problem is I guess I'm just naive to never understand that 'people can be double faced'. I never understood their true intentions. On my farewell party panel asked me what  wisdom you live with in life and I said "THAT PEOPLE ARE NOT REALLY BAD, SITUATIONS MAKES THEM SO" - and I still live by that, but I forget to introspect the actions and words- the other person is conveying. I have a really bad habit of ignoring the negative signs.
Where does this all lead to now ? (guess we got a little emotional and got a little distracted from our main topic lol) Every negative aspect of your life adds up, because you are an over thinker it all adds up , because you don't really trust anybody - it adds up more. You keep second guessing about seeing a therapist. You think about the worst. You question your purpose in life, and I guess nothing can get
worse than that.  Existential crises is still fine - but what I felt was something worse than this.
 Hey don't worry.. I'm feeling okay while I'm writing all this. That's why I got the courage to write in first place. I've been reading mind opening books and meditating you see - little hard but getting there.
There are some things I learnt in past few months (I should've realised long time back)

• No quiet city can bring you peace if one's mind is f***ed up. 
• Don't depend on another person for  happiness - because only you can (damnit this is what Buddism teaches - am I even Buddhist if I don't realise this at least #smh)
• Don't stop making friends - but understand their intentions first.
• Give yourself time to grieve , it doesn't make you look stupid I promise.
• Talk about your feelings to few important people in your life , otherwise why would you be calling them important in the first place. duh! They won't judge for sure.
• Every morning- give yourself a pep talk about all the good things in life.
• Do you a crazy purpose in life - something people underestimate you about? Well screw them. Hold onto it- Work. *wink wink*

Why waste time sulking over something - ever heard of IMPERMANENCE? Yeah well that shit is real. the only freaking truth. Anyhow climate change crisis is going to make our life span much shorter might as well learn to love ourselves and be happy for however long we are here for eh?
Also by the way its kinda late I know but learning a lot about sustainability and conscious living- been kind of practising them as well :). Go Greta Thunberg. *woot woot*
I'm learning as I go y'all .
For now I am okay and I will continue to be OKAY :)